


the devil i love

by thatsouthernanthem



Series: hold on, hold on [2]
Category: Star Wars Legends - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Gen, but also there is romance?, it's a weird ficlet., kind of?, padme is angry at her lot in this life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 21:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5886373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsouthernanthem/pseuds/thatsouthernanthem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been three months since the twins were born, and today Palpatine will announce them as heirs to the Empire. </p><p>Padme wrestles with her own hatred, the fact she still loves Anakin and her need to be there for her children. Also, the author can't write endings to save her life so there is that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the devil i love

**Author's Note:**

> I somehow deleted the collection today and then had to re-make it...so if you were following the collection you'll need to do it again because I apparently don't know how to use AO3. 
> 
> Also, Neko Case is basically the soundtrack to this whole fic arc. All of her songs. All of them.
> 
> ALSO ALSO: I am thatsouthernanthem at tumblr if you want to follow me for lots of star wars rebloggin' and rambly tags about this stupid au.

She's woken up each night for the last three weeks with this exact scene in her mind, causing her to sweat and shake. They're on a balcony, a crowd is below them, cheering wildly and Palpatine's withered hand touches her son's head. 

Her stomach rolls over at the thought of the dream again and looks at the doors before her. Beyond this is a balcony, and there is a crowd under it. They will cheer and she prays to every goddess she can think of that Palpatine will not touch her son. 

Anakin steps up next to her, their daughter in his arms. The twins are three months old and the Empire has solidified, and so, today, Palpatine will announce her children as the Prince Regent and Princess of the Empire, effectively leaving the galaxy to them. 

Binding them (and her) forever into his service. The thought makes her nauseous and she does nothing to hide it. Anakin has begged her to ease into this life, to let them just live happily together with their children but she couldn't. She wouldn't. She hated every moment of living under Palpatine's shadow. 

"Padme," Anakin whispers softly, shifting Leia in his arms. "This is the best thing for us, for them. They will never want for anything." 

"They will be pawns, Anakin." Padme's jaw hurts from how hard she clenches her teeth together. The anger in her rises and flows over her whole being. "They will be _slaves_ to his wills. He will take them away from us and corrupt them--" 

She stops and stares at the doors in front of her. How can she see all of this but never have seen the corruption in Palpatine to begin with? Or how had she missed the old man's sway on her own husband. 

Anger was all she had right now and she couldn't even do that properly. 

Luke begins to fuss in her arms and attendants step forward from various parts of the room. Padme quickly holds her hand up and shakes her head. The pearls entwined into her curls quietly clatter together. "I am perfectly capable of handling my own child," she hisses to the girls, who quickly step back. "Leave us." 

They bow their heads and bow at the knee before moving to the antechamber behind Padme and Anakin, and Padme's heart aches a little. They are only doing as they've been told, and fear the day that Padme bans them from her sight, for the Emperor would not be kind to them. She won't do that, she vows to herself. She'll never trust them, but she'll make sure they won't get punished for something that isn't their fault. 

Now, only Padme, Anakin, their children and two red-clad guards remain. Padme stares stonily at the guards for a long moment before looking at her husband. 

He stares back at her, his yellowing eyes sad. If only they were blue, then she may have felt some pain at being the one who put that sadness there. 

At this moment, though, she only feels vindication. _Good_ , her mind whispers. _Make it be known how much you hate this with every fiber of your being. Make the universe know it._

"Padme," he whispers, brokenly. "Please." 

He needs her, as much as he ever has, and is begging her to stay there with him, to help him. He's scared that she will leave, that she will try to take their children, and Palpatine will hurt her -- or worse, he will force Anakin to do it himself. 

She knows all of this, can read it in his face, and still she turns her head back to the front, resolute and unwavering like a stone pillar. 

They can hear Palpatine's voice now, as he addresses the Imperial City denizens. As he lays out their triumphs over the 'reckless Republic' and how the Empire will truly protect them and make their universe a safer and better place. 

The guards open the door and light pours into the chamber. Palpatine turns to them and gestures with his papery hand. "Come! Let Imperial City meet their new Prince and Princess!" 

Padme shakes as she steps forward, careful to make sure no one can notice, clutching her son in her arms and she looks, panicky, at Leia in Anakin's arms. _Goddess_ she prays in her mind please help me, please help us.

The Emperor spreads his arms wide was Anakin and Padme take the balcony. The crowd below them cheer, streamers flying and it's all muffled by the sound of blood rushing in her ears. These people, they love her, they love her children and her husband, and most terrifyingly, they love the Emperor. 

Turning her head, she looks at Anakin again. He has the same stricken-features she does, and his hand shakes when he shifts the bundle that is Leia in his arms. Padme wonders what he's thinking, if he is regretting the steps he took to get them there. 

And her heart breaks, looking at him. She's so cold, so angry, so hateful now, she barely recognizes herself. But she recognizes her Anakin in this man next to her, the boy she fell in love with shining through in his terror. 

The crowd quiets as Palpatine raises his arms, palms out, and began speaking to them again, allowing the Skywalkers to step back into the shadows.

* * *

Later, after all of the pomp and circumstance is finished, Padme sits next to the cradle holding her children. As they grasp each other's tiny hands and coo at each other, she stares at a spot on the wall. 

How could all of this have gone so incredibly sideways? Five months ago, she was happy, and now...now she felt empty inside if she looked away from the twins. 

Padme hears Anakin approach, his boots heavy on the floor, and feels his hesitation. He seems to be at a loss for words; unsure of what to say and unsure if whatever he does say will make it better, or worse. 

"Padme--"

She shakes her head, stopping him. "I can't do this, Anakin. I can't fight with you every day and still have the strength to be their mother, and have the ability to fight against Palpatine."

"But you shouldn't be fighting him," Anakin groans, pressing his fingers against his temple. "He's not the enemy here! The Jedi were corrupt and--"

"He had your friends, your family, _murdered_ , Anakin." Padme rises quickly from her seat. "He has placed a sanction against Alderaan, where my closest friend lives, against Naboo, my _home_. He has brainwashed you into being his faithful servant and he will do the same to our children. So do _not_ tell me that he is not the enemy."

Anakin steps back and stares at her, and she can feel the anger and the sadness pulsating off of him. "What are you going to do, Padme? Leave? You won't be able to take them with you." 

Even though she's known that the entire time, it stabs her in the gut to hear the words said out loud. She could get free, but she'd be leaving her children behind. Her constant refrain from the last three months is that she must be strong, she will be strong, so that her children will have their mother. 

Taking a deep breath, she levels her gaze at her husband. "I will stay here, and I will be a mother to my children. I will not be happy with the hand you have dealt us though. And if one day, I do not feel sick to my stomach when I look at you, then you can tell yourself I'm happy here." 

Anakin's eyes flash and she steps toward him to cut him off before he can say a word. "I love you, Anakin. But I don't _know_ you anymore, and this is the opposite of everything I have ever fought for, ever loved about the galaxy." 

Leia begins to fuss, a quiet whimper that makes Padme pause in her tirade. Stepping over to the cradle, she lifts her daughter into her arms, smoothing the dark curls off of her little face. Pleadingly, she looks at Anakin again. "Please. I will stay here, for them, and maybe one day, I will stay here for you. But at this moment, all I can do is..."

 _Try_. She can only try to continue on. 

Anakin ducks his head in a nod, pushing his hand through his tousled curls. "I'm sorry that...I didn't tell you. I don't...even remember it beginning." 

Padme presses her lips together and nods shakily. She suspected that, that the fall had been so smooth and seductive to his mind that he hadn't even noticed. His annoyance with the Jedi not taking him seriously, worrying about training Ahsoka, and the absolutely crushing pressure of being The Chosen One...it's not that much of a surprise to her anymore that he fell under Palpatine's spell. 

She places the now quiet Leia back in the cradle by her brother and steps up to Anakin, pressing her hands against his face, framing it. She stares at him for a long moment, and knows he is wondering what she sees. Whatever it is she sees, it mollifies her. She nods solidly, before stroking his cheek with her thumb. 

He swallows hard as she lets her hand fall. "Get some rest," she tells him softly. "The twins will wake up later and you're on baby duty tonight." 

He smiles that silly little half-smile he always does and her stomach does a flip. 

Maybe. Maybe they'll be okay, eventually.


End file.
